Daisies are drunks

Wednesday nights are back! Slanger, Sam and I hung out on Wed at my new digs. It was great. The plan was to hang at the house, have some drinks and then maybe go out. That's not what happened. We were drinking vodka and Slanger noticed that I had some flowers on my table (mostly daisies). She informed me that flowers like vodka. I guess it makes them stand up straight or something, which is the exact opposite of the effect it has on me. Anyway, at this point I'd had several cocktails and no dinner (shortly after we had some delicious frozen appetizers--yeah, that's how I roll) and so I was all, "yeah! the daisies are begging for some vodka action!" and I poured them a stiff one. I wasn't as steady as I could've been so I may have sort of made a giant cocktail in that vase, but those flowers were NOT complaining. In fact, they perked right up (especially those freakin daisies). The next thing you know it's 1 in the AM and Sam and Slanger head out. I go to bed and when I wake up the house is a freaking mess, the whole bottle of vodka is gone and those daisies are passed out everywhere! Daisies are drunks man, and they owe me a bottle of vodka.

So I tried to blog about this earlier while it was all still fresh in my hungover head, but blogger wouldn't let me log in! Asshole blog machine.

The universe strikes again

Ok, so the last time I got dumped by an asshole boy who found a new lady I was really down. I was walking down Broadway doing what I always do when I'm depressed--spending money I don't have. Anyway, I see this drunken homeless looking fellow coming at me. I was getting prepared for the "can you spare some change" interaction and figuring out if I should a) give it to him so he'd leave me alone or b) not give it to him because if I gave it to him he might want to start up a conversation with me (I'm pretty bad at getting out of those). Ok, so I decided I'd give it to him and walk away quickly, then he was in front of me.

This is how it went:
Fellow: "Hey! Come 'ere. I wanna tell you something."
Me: (silence with a look of fear)
Fellow: "You're cuter and smarter than her! Don't you even worry about it."
Me: (silence with a smile)

Then he walked away. Who knows what he was talking about but it was just what I needed to hear just when I needed to hear it.

So anyway, today I was walking to lunch (kinda down cause I just got dumped by an asshole boy, one that I lived with this time) and I see these kids (they looked about 20 or so but I can call them kids now that I'm 30--HA) walking toward me. There were five of them and one of them was playing a ukulele. I didn't think there was going to be any sort of encounter but I was wrong.

Here is how it went:
20-something guy: "Excuse me ma'’am. Could we give you a group hug?"
Me: "Uhhh..Sure."
20-something girl with ukulele: "Really!? We've been walking around asking people all day and you're the first one to say yes!"

Then they all (there were about five of them) crowded around me and gave me a hug. Some of them even made that hugging noise, you know that noise you make when you're giving someone you like a hug. Then we thanked each other and went our separate ways.

It's funny because I was just thinking this morning how I miss having someone around to show me affection. It was just what I needed, just when I needed it. I can even forgive them calling me ma'’am. After all I am 30.

I suck

You know what I've decided I hate most about a breakup? That I feel like I've lost myself. I look back at who I've become over the past few weeks, months even, and I don't like who I see. I miss myself. I miss when I used to be happy and fun and funny, I miss when I liked myself so much that person sleeping next to me couldn't help but love me. I need to figure out what to do to bring that girl back.

p.s. The thing I hate second most is that I want to punch him in the face for being such a jerk but I know it won't do any good.

The bitterness continues...Or does it?

Ok, not really bitter. I just had a thought - what if I had married him and everything had stayed the same? The bar every night, flirting with other girls but not his own girlfriend, not feeling like I was sexy enough for him? That would have been a nightmare. I know if he had tried, really tried, and respected me from the beginning, not just in the middle of the relationship, maybe things would have been different. I'm not saying that we wouldn't have broken up but our time together would have been much happier for me. I still love him but I'm starting to realize that things will be better for me now, even if I'm alone for awhile.

I met a friend of Slanger's last night who was talking about his wife. He's been with her for 5 years, married for 1 and when he met her his life was a mess. Now he's gotten his life together and wants to be a better person for her. Just listening to how much he respects and loves his wife and how he talks about her like they've only just met--he has the new relationship high even after 5 years--made me so hopeful. Someday, some great guy will love me so much that he'll talk about me like that. Maybe E just wasn't good enough for me.

Screw You Radio

Isn't it funny how when you get dumped by someone it seems like every love song is speaking directly to you? I hate it. I hate that when I'm at the 7-11 and some fucking cheesy song comes on that I think, "This person really knows what they're talking about." They don't fucking know, what am I saying?

Right now I'm on a Slackers kick. Wasted Days, So This is the Night, Close My Eyes--these songs make me kind of sad even when I'm happy, but somehow it helps to know that at least I'm listening to good music, music I love to help me through this.

My all time favorite Slackers song is Sarah. It's the song that sums it up for me right now.

"You said I never had to have a reason
just for feeling all the feelings that I do.
summer days leave me with empty sneezes
and drunken was the day that I found you"

"I guess I thought that we could live forever
in a state of such imaginary grace
where you could find your diamonds in my arms dear
and I could find a reason in your face"

Or something like that.

Aaaaaaron was nice enough to play that song on my voicemail the other night, just because it came on and he though of me. It's nice to know I have such great friends.

Speaking of which, something occured to me this morning: that first night when he broke up with me, I was the one who had to leave. I was pissed that he didn't even offer to stay somewhere else for the night, but maybe he didn't have anywhere to go. I'm just grateful for friends like Slanger who has been putting me up (and putting up with me) for a week.

Old bog--should've seen it coming

I found my old blog. This entry was about two months in with the now ex-boyfriend. All I can say is, I know things got better after this, but I should have trusted my feelings. I don't regret the last two years but I really shouldn't have put up with the things I did in the beginning or more recently when things stopped being good, I should've stood up for myself. I'm not going to drive myself crazy thinking about what could've happened if I had done that, but it's definitely something I'll take from this relationship and think about with the next one.

Thursday, September 09, 2004
"i've never been this paranoid and jealous and i don't like myself very much right now. i don't know what it is but something has to change, whether it's how he acts, how i react, or whether or not we stay together. i still really like him and i don't want it to come down to that, but i'm unhappy a lot of the time and i'm acting crazy.

i need to stop reading too much into every little thing and i need to just enjoy things for whatever they are and not expect too much right now. i need to realize that i deserve to be happy and not to be afraid to end things and be alone again if they don't get better. i also need to realize that the past is the past and that the current boyfriend is NOT the ex-boyfriend, even if he acts like an asshole sometimes.

now if only i could get the boyfriend to be a little more affectionate in public (with me) and a little less affectionate in public (with his "just a friend"). i'm not talking making out, but just a show of affection. whether or not he has feelings for her, he says he doesn't and i'm going to have to learn to trust him. if i still get a bad feeling about things after a while, then i just need to end it. also, it would be nice if he wasn't so hot and cold. he has no idea what i'm talking about when i say that, but you can't tell your girlfriend you want to be with her forever then an hour later tell her you wish you hadn't met. example two, don't tell your girlfriend you think you love her and then tell her that she doesn't stimulate you mentally.

also it would be nice if i wasn't the only one who got jealous. not that i'm saying i want a jealous freak as my boyfriend, but him caring when i get hit on by other people would probably help me feel a little more secure that he actually likes me. stupid and silly, yes, but i feel so insecure right now and now matter how many times he says he likes me, a lot of times his actions say something completely different."

Oh, here we go

And I hope he has a very happy life alone with nothing to love except his stupid big tv. I know, I know, I was excited about it but now all I can think is that he couldn't ever take me out to dinner or do fun things that I wanted to do but he could drop thousands on a tv. A tv that he hardly ever watched because he was too busy going to the bar.

Sorry

Sorry dear readers (all two of you), I used to like to write fun and funny things but now I'm a sad sack and have nothing to say. Maybe I'll surprise all of us (all three of us) and come up with a funny, witty, non-sad blog topic later today. Right.

Why?

Why did he have to be so cold? I lost my boyfriend, my best friend and my home all in one night and he's acting like he doesn't even care. He's not sad, he's not nice, he wants me out. Maybe this is just his way of dealing with it, but it would've made things so much easier if I would've felt like he was hurting too. I know it's over, I know he's not going to change his mind, but we've both lost each other and the last two years should've meant something to him. I guess I'm mourning what I've lost and he's looking ahead without a care to what I was to him.

Country Dancing and 22-Year-Old Male Models

Wednesday Nite at Charlie’s:

1-2-3-4
Back-2-3-4
Spin-2-3-4
Back Spin-2-3-4
Step Clink
Step Clink
Step Clink
Step Bump
Back-2-3-4
Clap!
Switch Partners! Woooooo!

Also, the 22-year-old male model (was he really? who knows) from out of town that accidentally on purpose happened into a gay bar. Hmmmm. He was cute but I'm not sure if the Nebraska kid knows who he is.

Wednesdays are awesome!

Sweet Zombie Jesus!

Ok, so I came home after working an 11-hour day and I was in a bad mood. But then, get this, I walked in the door and I saw something so beautiful all I could do was say "Sweet Zombie Jesus!" Do you want to know what I saw? Do you? This is what it was: Hockey was on the TV and the Red Wings lost! That means good things for the Av's! Aren't you excited? Ok before you get pissed off and leave I'll tell you why I really almost peed myself when I walked in the door. Hockey was on, that's true. But more important to this story is what exactly the hockey was playing on. Yes it was a TV, but there's more. The TV was plasma. The TV was also 40 some inches big. THE BOYFRIEND BOUGHT A PLASMA TV! Yeah, all the fun and none of the cost for me! I really never thought I needed a big TV until I saw this one in my living room. I mean you have to love a TV that is so pretty it made me watch 7th Heaven for like 20 minutes before I got over being mesmerized by the sheer size and picture quality and realized what I was watching. Hooray! Want to come over and watch the TV with me? It's pretty even when it's off...

Oh yeah

There's nothing like starting your 30's with a smashed car and a wicked hangover.

Best Punishment Ever

The boyfriend and I were driving to breakfast Sunday and we saw a kid standing on the corner of York and Colfax holding a sign. He looked about 16 and was pretty well dressed so I started wondering what the sign was all about. I was thinking "Hmmm, kinda early for a car wash, but whatever." So imagine my surprise when it turns out the kid was being punished. The sign he was holding said "My father caught me with a pocketful of marijuana and this is one of the consequences of my punishment." There was an older guy standing a few feet behind him looking really pissed off with his arms crossed. I can only assume that was the dad. It was fucking awesome! The kid was totally embarrassed and you know that was just the beginning of the shit he was going to get. The best part was that the lettering on the sign was all nice. I can just imagine the kid's mom sitting at the kitchen table thinking "My son is going to be humiliated and he deserves it, but the least I can do is make his sign look nice." I don't know these people, but that family kicks ass.

It all came back today

For some reason I woke up sad today. Usually Wednesdays are so awesome that it's all I can do to contain my excitement. This morning was different. I'm still looking forward to hanging out tonight, but I can't seem to shake this melancholy that is sitting in the back of my mind. The weird thing is that I was cleaning out my email and I came across something that an ex-boyfriend (and current friend) sent me not long ago. It was about the morning he moved away and our last goodbye. Although I didn't read it until about five years after it was written, it brought me right back to that day he left.

I went to his blog this afternoon and was surprised to see it there, posted not long ago. That makes twice that I accidentally came across it today. We both have new significant others and are happy. We are close friends now and the relationship we shared in the past is not something that either one of us wants again, although the past is nothing that I would ever change, even if I could. Despite these things, I will always cry a little at the thought of that cold January morning. It's probably one of the most meaningful things I've ever read, and not just because I lived it, but also because he is an amazing writer. It's a moment that will always be a part of me. Here's a little piece:

"I spent the plane ride thinking of our many goodbyes, mostly remembering how you looked on that street corner, disappearing into the distance. You were sad, beautiful, and everything else you've ever meant to me. You were a portrait burned into my memory like white noise under the thoughts racing through my head. I hold on to that moment tightly, like a little piece of you that I can keep forever."

Ok, enough with the serious stuff.

Pleasantries are pleasant

Today has been so pleasant! I was glad that the bus was late because I got to enjoy a nice brisk walk in the snow!

When I got to work, someone did something completely improper, an inappropriate moment that had followed many other unseemly moments in the last week. But instead of getting mad I just threw myself into my work and got so much done. How pleasing!

Sam and I had a lovely lunch. He held the door for me and I held the door for him. When we were done with our delicious meal, we exchanged emails thanking each other for being so polite. How refreshing!

Just now, Sam and I had a very enjoyable break. We discussed which view would be more agreeable to take in and even when the West garden was closed because of ice falling off the building, we still enjoyed an enjoyable chat outside. Even avoiding the fight outside the East door was satisfying!

Sam thinks that there needs to be more people like us in the world and I couldn't agree more. Thanks for reading!

Seriously

Seriously, I need to stop using seriously in all my damn blog posts. I'm serious. It's like it's my favorite damn word or something. I'm going to attempt to not use the S word in any blogs for a least a month. If you catch me, totally call me on it, seriously. Wait, that one didn't count. Really it didn't. No using the S word starting after this blog. Ok? Ok.

Sam and I are Assholes

Sam and I had a hilarious break this morning. We stood outside taking our usual morning smoke break and critiqued everyone who was wearing green for St. Pat's. Here are some highlights:

The business man who was wearing a mint green button-up. "Ooo, he went crazy today. Get a load of him with his wacky light green shirt." Seriously, we bet he has 20 white shirts, one pink (Valentine's Day), one green (St. Patrick's Day) and two crazy ties (Christmas and Halloween).

The girl wearing the green sweatpants with writing across the butt. "Hey! Check out my ass!"

The guy in the suit with the green button on the lapel. "Kiss Me I'm Irish." Other people in the office: "Great, Patrick O'Patrick put the button on again." "Wait a minute, he wears that damn button everyday!" Patrick: "Well, it works sometimes."

We also had a great scenario worked out where we would loiter outside of the HR office and wait to get pinched (cause you know someone in HR is all decked out) then claim sexual harassment. Hilarious! Plus, if we did it without laughing, we might get a paid day off out of it.

We are total assholes. This was confirmed by all the dirty looks we were getting from passers-by. But seriously, all St. Patrick's day is about in this town is green beer, which equals green puke. I really don't need to see that (again).

As Michael Kors would say "It's hard to make a holiday vulgar, but you did it."

Auf Wiedersehen Mother Fuckers!

Tonight is the season finale of Project Runway. Oh Project Runway, we've laughed, we've cried, we've gotten drunk together. I've said things I didn't mean, but in all fairness, so did you. Come on baby, I didn't mean it, don't leave! What will I do without you?

On the bright side, that means I get to hang with Sam and Slanger tonight. Yay! We've been trying to decide which bar to go to, and as usual, we debated via email. This is how we decided--the tiki bar is closer to my tivo (I mean house) and has $1 PBR and $2 shots of Beam. Plus, we went to Aztec Sol (the awesome tequila bar) last week and discovered they no longer have free tacos at happy hour. Damn, AzSol, what are you trying to do to us? You know this is our main source of food on Wednesdays (aside from them delicious frozen mini-foods of course). Oh well, we still love you, but I guess you are out this week.

Heidi Klum (via Sam): "I'm sorry, this means good bye to you AzSol, Auf Wiedersehen."

AzSol: "What? I was in a contest? Shit. Hey, you talk funny but yer pretty. Wanna do a shot?"

More importantly, we must now decide which mini-foods to eat while we watch. The lovely Slanger has told me about a fantastic creation called "bags of gold." I think it's some sort of concoction of cheese (the gold), some other stuff, like veggies (the dirt you pan gold out of???) all put together in a crispy dough bag. Wow! It'll be like striking it rich with every delicious bite! Slanger has also come up with the genius idea for themed snacks like "Andre at Red Lobster" and the "Guadalupe Special." I can't wait. No really, I can't--I'm leaving work now.

Jazzercise!

Yes, Jazzercise. I know what you're thinking--"Jazzercise is still around?" Or maybe "What the fuck, are you kidding?" No friends, I am not kidding. I go to jazzercise, and I love it! Seriously, I hate to exercise but this isn't too bad. And it's called "An Hour of Power" which is all inspiring and shit. It's kind of like jumping around to bad (but fun) music when you get drunk. And, since I go on Sunday mornings, sometimes I AM still drunk! Plus, it's pretty damn cool to be in a room with mostly older ladies (and a few guys) who scream out "Wooooo!" as they shake their hips and clap along to the Gorillaz or that song "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me." Seriously, they get totally into it and it's hilarious (and cute). The only downside is that most of these ladies have been jazzercising forever and they are totally in better shape than me. I get all out of breath and sweaty and my beer belly hangs out when I try to do sit ups, but they are all flat stomachs and defined biceps. Also, I don't see any of them frantically lighting up a smoke immediately afterwards then rushing to brunch (AKA mimosas). Maybe if I keep it up, I'll be in shape when I'm 50--that's something to look forward to.

Ice Janitors and Twizzlers

Oh Olympics, you are so damn funny! You are such a comedy genius and you don't even know it! Case in point: Ice Dancing. Forget the costumes (although they are pretty hilarious), forget that there seems to be some sort of rule that a sparkly headband for the ladies and greasy hair for the men is an artistic requirement, and forget that Ice Dancing is just couples skate for wussies. What is so hilarious about Ice Dancing is this: Twizzle! A Twizzle (according to Wikipedia) is a multi-rotation turn. What Wiki fails to mention is that apparently, a Twizzle must also involve some sort of spastic jazz hand movement and you must also have a look on your face like you've just heard a horrible joke and you're not sure if it's ok to think it's funny. Seriously, all the ice dancers wave their hands around and seem to be thinking, "That joke I heard earlier was really in poor taste, but damn was it funny. I couldn't laugh then because it wasn't proper but shit, I can't stop thinking about it and giggling like an idiot who farted in an elevator now!"

On the other hand, there is Curling. It takes skill, don't get me wrong, but I'll be damned if they don't look like a bunch of ice janitors frantically cleaning up after a kid who has just puked. Plus, there is the grunting and the yelling and the look of absolute boredom from the athlete’s children who have to be thinking, "God, when is this crap going to be over so we can go watch some snowboarding?" The fans (aside from the kids) and the announcers get totally into it and shout out random things like "CURL!" as they chug their eighth beer and high five each other. Well I’m sure the fans would agree with the new Curling motto, as Sam so geniusly came up with on Sunday as we were watching: "Curlers do it with stones!"