I suck

You know what I've decided I hate most about a breakup? That I feel like I've lost myself. I look back at who I've become over the past few weeks, months even, and I don't like who I see. I miss myself. I miss when I used to be happy and fun and funny, I miss when I liked myself so much that person sleeping next to me couldn't help but love me. I need to figure out what to do to bring that girl back.

p.s. The thing I hate second most is that I want to punch him in the face for being such a jerk but I know it won't do any good.

The bitterness continues...Or does it?

Ok, not really bitter. I just had a thought - what if I had married him and everything had stayed the same? The bar every night, flirting with other girls but not his own girlfriend, not feeling like I was sexy enough for him? That would have been a nightmare. I know if he had tried, really tried, and respected me from the beginning, not just in the middle of the relationship, maybe things would have been different. I'm not saying that we wouldn't have broken up but our time together would have been much happier for me. I still love him but I'm starting to realize that things will be better for me now, even if I'm alone for awhile.

I met a friend of Slanger's last night who was talking about his wife. He's been with her for 5 years, married for 1 and when he met her his life was a mess. Now he's gotten his life together and wants to be a better person for her. Just listening to how much he respects and loves his wife and how he talks about her like they've only just met--he has the new relationship high even after 5 years--made me so hopeful. Someday, some great guy will love me so much that he'll talk about me like that. Maybe E just wasn't good enough for me.

Screw You Radio

Isn't it funny how when you get dumped by someone it seems like every love song is speaking directly to you? I hate it. I hate that when I'm at the 7-11 and some fucking cheesy song comes on that I think, "This person really knows what they're talking about." They don't fucking know, what am I saying?

Right now I'm on a Slackers kick. Wasted Days, So This is the Night, Close My Eyes--these songs make me kind of sad even when I'm happy, but somehow it helps to know that at least I'm listening to good music, music I love to help me through this.

My all time favorite Slackers song is Sarah. It's the song that sums it up for me right now.

"You said I never had to have a reason
just for feeling all the feelings that I do.
summer days leave me with empty sneezes
and drunken was the day that I found you"

"I guess I thought that we could live forever
in a state of such imaginary grace
where you could find your diamonds in my arms dear
and I could find a reason in your face"

Or something like that.

Aaaaaaron was nice enough to play that song on my voicemail the other night, just because it came on and he though of me. It's nice to know I have such great friends.

Speaking of which, something occured to me this morning: that first night when he broke up with me, I was the one who had to leave. I was pissed that he didn't even offer to stay somewhere else for the night, but maybe he didn't have anywhere to go. I'm just grateful for friends like Slanger who has been putting me up (and putting up with me) for a week.

Old bog--should've seen it coming

I found my old blog. This entry was about two months in with the now ex-boyfriend. All I can say is, I know things got better after this, but I should have trusted my feelings. I don't regret the last two years but I really shouldn't have put up with the things I did in the beginning or more recently when things stopped being good, I should've stood up for myself. I'm not going to drive myself crazy thinking about what could've happened if I had done that, but it's definitely something I'll take from this relationship and think about with the next one.

Thursday, September 09, 2004
"i've never been this paranoid and jealous and i don't like myself very much right now. i don't know what it is but something has to change, whether it's how he acts, how i react, or whether or not we stay together. i still really like him and i don't want it to come down to that, but i'm unhappy a lot of the time and i'm acting crazy.

i need to stop reading too much into every little thing and i need to just enjoy things for whatever they are and not expect too much right now. i need to realize that i deserve to be happy and not to be afraid to end things and be alone again if they don't get better. i also need to realize that the past is the past and that the current boyfriend is NOT the ex-boyfriend, even if he acts like an asshole sometimes.

now if only i could get the boyfriend to be a little more affectionate in public (with me) and a little less affectionate in public (with his "just a friend"). i'm not talking making out, but just a show of affection. whether or not he has feelings for her, he says he doesn't and i'm going to have to learn to trust him. if i still get a bad feeling about things after a while, then i just need to end it. also, it would be nice if he wasn't so hot and cold. he has no idea what i'm talking about when i say that, but you can't tell your girlfriend you want to be with her forever then an hour later tell her you wish you hadn't met. example two, don't tell your girlfriend you think you love her and then tell her that she doesn't stimulate you mentally.

also it would be nice if i wasn't the only one who got jealous. not that i'm saying i want a jealous freak as my boyfriend, but him caring when i get hit on by other people would probably help me feel a little more secure that he actually likes me. stupid and silly, yes, but i feel so insecure right now and now matter how many times he says he likes me, a lot of times his actions say something completely different."

Oh, here we go

And I hope he has a very happy life alone with nothing to love except his stupid big tv. I know, I know, I was excited about it but now all I can think is that he couldn't ever take me out to dinner or do fun things that I wanted to do but he could drop thousands on a tv. A tv that he hardly ever watched because he was too busy going to the bar.

Sorry

Sorry dear readers (all two of you), I used to like to write fun and funny things but now I'm a sad sack and have nothing to say. Maybe I'll surprise all of us (all three of us) and come up with a funny, witty, non-sad blog topic later today. Right.

Why?

Why did he have to be so cold? I lost my boyfriend, my best friend and my home all in one night and he's acting like he doesn't even care. He's not sad, he's not nice, he wants me out. Maybe this is just his way of dealing with it, but it would've made things so much easier if I would've felt like he was hurting too. I know it's over, I know he's not going to change his mind, but we've both lost each other and the last two years should've meant something to him. I guess I'm mourning what I've lost and he's looking ahead without a care to what I was to him.

Country Dancing and 22-Year-Old Male Models

Wednesday Nite at Charlie’s:

1-2-3-4
Back-2-3-4
Spin-2-3-4
Back Spin-2-3-4
Step Clink
Step Clink
Step Clink
Step Bump
Back-2-3-4
Clap!
Switch Partners! Woooooo!

Also, the 22-year-old male model (was he really? who knows) from out of town that accidentally on purpose happened into a gay bar. Hmmmm. He was cute but I'm not sure if the Nebraska kid knows who he is.

Wednesdays are awesome!

Sweet Zombie Jesus!

Ok, so I came home after working an 11-hour day and I was in a bad mood. But then, get this, I walked in the door and I saw something so beautiful all I could do was say "Sweet Zombie Jesus!" Do you want to know what I saw? Do you? This is what it was: Hockey was on the TV and the Red Wings lost! That means good things for the Av's! Aren't you excited? Ok before you get pissed off and leave I'll tell you why I really almost peed myself when I walked in the door. Hockey was on, that's true. But more important to this story is what exactly the hockey was playing on. Yes it was a TV, but there's more. The TV was plasma. The TV was also 40 some inches big. THE BOYFRIEND BOUGHT A PLASMA TV! Yeah, all the fun and none of the cost for me! I really never thought I needed a big TV until I saw this one in my living room. I mean you have to love a TV that is so pretty it made me watch 7th Heaven for like 20 minutes before I got over being mesmerized by the sheer size and picture quality and realized what I was watching. Hooray! Want to come over and watch the TV with me? It's pretty even when it's off...