Gone

Music was his life. He surrounded himself with it. Now he plays guitar alone in the basement, never realizing that he's just as talented as he always was, maybe more so. He has gone from commanding a stage, forcing everyone to see, to not being able to look me in the eye when we talk. He's ashamed and scared, and I'm ashamed and scared that he's sitting right in front of me and yet I miss him as if he was dead.

I looked up to him. So much of who I am is because of him and now who he is is somehow missing, gone, maybe forever. The scary thing is, I think he remembers how he used to be. I think he misses the old him as much, probably more, than I do. He knows that things have changed and that they will never be the same. When I'm with him I try, but I can only seem to last a few minutes before I feel like I'm going to start crying. The old him would've made fun of me for being such a girl, but who he is now doesn't notice. Or maybe he does notice. Maybe it's just easier to pretend not to see my sadness, my selfishness in missing someone who isn't really gone.

The one who made me love music. The one who made me important by association. The one who hasn't left the house in years but is still more known than me. Gone, in my mind. Does the fact that I think of him as missing make him more so somehow?

Water

The water feels cool on my feet. We are together but silent. It is a comfortable silence, yet I feel the strangeness of being in a different city, surrounded by people and places I've never seen before. Two girls in old fashioned looking dresses and oddly modern haircuts glide slowly through the water. Children scream and splash around them but somehow sense that the girls are coming and move out of the way, an almost graceful dance. One of these children smiles at me and for the first time I can imagine being a mother. It's a strange feeling, one that I never seem to have or maybe I'm just afraid of thinking it. This place is making me think about things I don't normally think about, and I'm seeing a reflection of someone who doesn't quite seem to be me. Or maybe it is me, maybe I'm seeing a glimpse of who I really am or who I should be, I guess I don't know anymore. The water is cool on my feet and children are screaming. Strange looking girls glide and I am with a friend yet alone.

Quiet

He's sitting there watching them work. Dirty and quiet. Unassuming. Reverent. It's as if he's watching an artist at work rather then some men dumping rock outside a garage. He’s making a memory that I have interrupted, walking by, obscuring his view. We make eye contact and he gives me a slight nod. A gift of acknowledgement to prove that he saw me, that I am forgiven for my intrusion into this moment that was his. Now it has become ours, in a way. I give a faint smile in response, an apology. The quietness of him is still here, hours later. It has wrapped itself around me and made me its own.

Left

A muffin tin.
A package of jell-o instant banana pudding.
A newspaper. Everyday, a newspaper.

You think it's mine despite the fact that I don't get the newspaper. Maybe it's all mine, left with the express purpose of me finding it. Maybe I'm missing the connection I have with these things sitting at the bottom of my stairs, and with the person leaving them. I never even see anyone on those stairs, except when I come to let you in or when we leave together. I never hear the hallway door close, except when I close it behind me. I used to hear the back door slam each morning, but they fixed it so that it drifts quietly shut, leaving me in peace.

Now I hear murmuring in the alley outside my bedroom window. I hear the zombies in the dumpster. I see these things on my staircase and the things left outside to be taken or trashed. I never take them but am somehow sad when they are gone. Maybe they are mine. Maybe I'm creating a scenario in my sleep, sleepwalking, sleepleaving things to keep myself entertained and interested. So I'll have something to talk, write and think about. To distract myself from the routine. To make me figure out when I got lost. Or maybe so I don't have to think about what's really on my mind.

Big ridiculous things

I was walking to work this morning, rocking some Zombies on the iPod. It wasn't too hot yet and I was enjoying my walk. I was waiting to cross the street and this guy pulls up in a HUGE ridiculous truck. Then, get this, he revs his engine at me! It was hilarious. I seriously couldn't stop laughing after he pulled away. I mean really, did he think I was going to be impressed that his giant gas-guzzler could make that much noise? I have to admit that I was awed that guys in big ridiculous trucks actually think that that kind of thing turns the ladies on.

Speaking of big ridiculous things, I have these huge silly sunglasses that I've been wearing around. They were an impulse buy at the Target and they are dumb but I love them. Anyway, I've noticed that when I wear them, people don't recognize me. It's awesome! I was walking to lunch the other day and I passed three people I've worked with for years. I said hi to all of them and only got blank looks in response. It's a total secret identity, like I'm Clark Kent or some shit.

Sandwiches! Part 2

Man Eats 47 Cheese Sandwiches In 10 min.

(AP) LAS VEGAS There's a rising star on the competitive eating circuit. California man Joey Chestnut downed 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes this weekend in Las Vegas to set a world record. That's eleven more sandwiches than the old record of 36.

Last month, Chestnut ate 50 hot dogs. Some say he's a threat to the reigning champ of food stuffing, Japan's Takeru Kobayashi.

Chestnut won the grilled cheese contest sponsored by the International Federation of Competitive Eating, the same group that runs the annual Fourth of July hot dog eating contest at New York's Coney Island.

Sandwiches!

If there is ever a lull in the conversation, just bring up sandwiches. Slanger, Klanger, Sam and I were doing it all weekend and it WORKED EVERY TIME! I'm not kidding, give it a try.

Soooo, how's it going? I like grilled cheese.

Daisies are drunks

Wednesday nights are back! Slanger, Sam and I hung out on Wed at my new digs. It was great. The plan was to hang at the house, have some drinks and then maybe go out. That's not what happened. We were drinking vodka and Slanger noticed that I had some flowers on my table (mostly daisies). She informed me that flowers like vodka. I guess it makes them stand up straight or something, which is the exact opposite of the effect it has on me. Anyway, at this point I'd had several cocktails and no dinner (shortly after we had some delicious frozen appetizers--yeah, that's how I roll) and so I was all, "yeah! the daisies are begging for some vodka action!" and I poured them a stiff one. I wasn't as steady as I could've been so I may have sort of made a giant cocktail in that vase, but those flowers were NOT complaining. In fact, they perked right up (especially those freakin daisies). The next thing you know it's 1 in the AM and Sam and Slanger head out. I go to bed and when I wake up the house is a freaking mess, the whole bottle of vodka is gone and those daisies are passed out everywhere! Daisies are drunks man, and they owe me a bottle of vodka.

So I tried to blog about this earlier while it was all still fresh in my hungover head, but blogger wouldn't let me log in! Asshole blog machine.

The universe strikes again

Ok, so the last time I got dumped by an asshole boy who found a new lady I was really down. I was walking down Broadway doing what I always do when I'm depressed--spending money I don't have. Anyway, I see this drunken homeless looking fellow coming at me. I was getting prepared for the "can you spare some change" interaction and figuring out if I should a) give it to him so he'd leave me alone or b) not give it to him because if I gave it to him he might want to start up a conversation with me (I'm pretty bad at getting out of those). Ok, so I decided I'd give it to him and walk away quickly, then he was in front of me.

This is how it went:
Fellow: "Hey! Come 'ere. I wanna tell you something."
Me: (silence with a look of fear)
Fellow: "You're cuter and smarter than her! Don't you even worry about it."
Me: (silence with a smile)

Then he walked away. Who knows what he was talking about but it was just what I needed to hear just when I needed to hear it.

So anyway, today I was walking to lunch (kinda down cause I just got dumped by an asshole boy, one that I lived with this time) and I see these kids (they looked about 20 or so but I can call them kids now that I'm 30--HA) walking toward me. There were five of them and one of them was playing a ukulele. I didn't think there was going to be any sort of encounter but I was wrong.

Here is how it went:
20-something guy: "Excuse me ma'’am. Could we give you a group hug?"
Me: "Uhhh..Sure."
20-something girl with ukulele: "Really!? We've been walking around asking people all day and you're the first one to say yes!"

Then they all (there were about five of them) crowded around me and gave me a hug. Some of them even made that hugging noise, you know that noise you make when you're giving someone you like a hug. Then we thanked each other and went our separate ways.

It's funny because I was just thinking this morning how I miss having someone around to show me affection. It was just what I needed, just when I needed it. I can even forgive them calling me ma'’am. After all I am 30.

I suck

You know what I've decided I hate most about a breakup? That I feel like I've lost myself. I look back at who I've become over the past few weeks, months even, and I don't like who I see. I miss myself. I miss when I used to be happy and fun and funny, I miss when I liked myself so much that person sleeping next to me couldn't help but love me. I need to figure out what to do to bring that girl back.

p.s. The thing I hate second most is that I want to punch him in the face for being such a jerk but I know it won't do any good.

The bitterness continues...Or does it?

Ok, not really bitter. I just had a thought - what if I had married him and everything had stayed the same? The bar every night, flirting with other girls but not his own girlfriend, not feeling like I was sexy enough for him? That would have been a nightmare. I know if he had tried, really tried, and respected me from the beginning, not just in the middle of the relationship, maybe things would have been different. I'm not saying that we wouldn't have broken up but our time together would have been much happier for me. I still love him but I'm starting to realize that things will be better for me now, even if I'm alone for awhile.

I met a friend of Slanger's last night who was talking about his wife. He's been with her for 5 years, married for 1 and when he met her his life was a mess. Now he's gotten his life together and wants to be a better person for her. Just listening to how much he respects and loves his wife and how he talks about her like they've only just met--he has the new relationship high even after 5 years--made me so hopeful. Someday, some great guy will love me so much that he'll talk about me like that. Maybe E just wasn't good enough for me.

Screw You Radio

Isn't it funny how when you get dumped by someone it seems like every love song is speaking directly to you? I hate it. I hate that when I'm at the 7-11 and some fucking cheesy song comes on that I think, "This person really knows what they're talking about." They don't fucking know, what am I saying?

Right now I'm on a Slackers kick. Wasted Days, So This is the Night, Close My Eyes--these songs make me kind of sad even when I'm happy, but somehow it helps to know that at least I'm listening to good music, music I love to help me through this.

My all time favorite Slackers song is Sarah. It's the song that sums it up for me right now.

"You said I never had to have a reason
just for feeling all the feelings that I do.
summer days leave me with empty sneezes
and drunken was the day that I found you"

"I guess I thought that we could live forever
in a state of such imaginary grace
where you could find your diamonds in my arms dear
and I could find a reason in your face"

Or something like that.

Aaaaaaron was nice enough to play that song on my voicemail the other night, just because it came on and he though of me. It's nice to know I have such great friends.

Speaking of which, something occured to me this morning: that first night when he broke up with me, I was the one who had to leave. I was pissed that he didn't even offer to stay somewhere else for the night, but maybe he didn't have anywhere to go. I'm just grateful for friends like Slanger who has been putting me up (and putting up with me) for a week.

Old bog--should've seen it coming

I found my old blog. This entry was about two months in with the now ex-boyfriend. All I can say is, I know things got better after this, but I should have trusted my feelings. I don't regret the last two years but I really shouldn't have put up with the things I did in the beginning or more recently when things stopped being good, I should've stood up for myself. I'm not going to drive myself crazy thinking about what could've happened if I had done that, but it's definitely something I'll take from this relationship and think about with the next one.

Thursday, September 09, 2004
"i've never been this paranoid and jealous and i don't like myself very much right now. i don't know what it is but something has to change, whether it's how he acts, how i react, or whether or not we stay together. i still really like him and i don't want it to come down to that, but i'm unhappy a lot of the time and i'm acting crazy.

i need to stop reading too much into every little thing and i need to just enjoy things for whatever they are and not expect too much right now. i need to realize that i deserve to be happy and not to be afraid to end things and be alone again if they don't get better. i also need to realize that the past is the past and that the current boyfriend is NOT the ex-boyfriend, even if he acts like an asshole sometimes.

now if only i could get the boyfriend to be a little more affectionate in public (with me) and a little less affectionate in public (with his "just a friend"). i'm not talking making out, but just a show of affection. whether or not he has feelings for her, he says he doesn't and i'm going to have to learn to trust him. if i still get a bad feeling about things after a while, then i just need to end it. also, it would be nice if he wasn't so hot and cold. he has no idea what i'm talking about when i say that, but you can't tell your girlfriend you want to be with her forever then an hour later tell her you wish you hadn't met. example two, don't tell your girlfriend you think you love her and then tell her that she doesn't stimulate you mentally.

also it would be nice if i wasn't the only one who got jealous. not that i'm saying i want a jealous freak as my boyfriend, but him caring when i get hit on by other people would probably help me feel a little more secure that he actually likes me. stupid and silly, yes, but i feel so insecure right now and now matter how many times he says he likes me, a lot of times his actions say something completely different."

Oh, here we go

And I hope he has a very happy life alone with nothing to love except his stupid big tv. I know, I know, I was excited about it but now all I can think is that he couldn't ever take me out to dinner or do fun things that I wanted to do but he could drop thousands on a tv. A tv that he hardly ever watched because he was too busy going to the bar.

Sorry

Sorry dear readers (all two of you), I used to like to write fun and funny things but now I'm a sad sack and have nothing to say. Maybe I'll surprise all of us (all three of us) and come up with a funny, witty, non-sad blog topic later today. Right.

Why?

Why did he have to be so cold? I lost my boyfriend, my best friend and my home all in one night and he's acting like he doesn't even care. He's not sad, he's not nice, he wants me out. Maybe this is just his way of dealing with it, but it would've made things so much easier if I would've felt like he was hurting too. I know it's over, I know he's not going to change his mind, but we've both lost each other and the last two years should've meant something to him. I guess I'm mourning what I've lost and he's looking ahead without a care to what I was to him.

Country Dancing and 22-Year-Old Male Models

Wednesday Nite at Charlie’s:

1-2-3-4
Back-2-3-4
Spin-2-3-4
Back Spin-2-3-4
Step Clink
Step Clink
Step Clink
Step Bump
Back-2-3-4
Clap!
Switch Partners! Woooooo!

Also, the 22-year-old male model (was he really? who knows) from out of town that accidentally on purpose happened into a gay bar. Hmmmm. He was cute but I'm not sure if the Nebraska kid knows who he is.

Wednesdays are awesome!

Sweet Zombie Jesus!

Ok, so I came home after working an 11-hour day and I was in a bad mood. But then, get this, I walked in the door and I saw something so beautiful all I could do was say "Sweet Zombie Jesus!" Do you want to know what I saw? Do you? This is what it was: Hockey was on the TV and the Red Wings lost! That means good things for the Av's! Aren't you excited? Ok before you get pissed off and leave I'll tell you why I really almost peed myself when I walked in the door. Hockey was on, that's true. But more important to this story is what exactly the hockey was playing on. Yes it was a TV, but there's more. The TV was plasma. The TV was also 40 some inches big. THE BOYFRIEND BOUGHT A PLASMA TV! Yeah, all the fun and none of the cost for me! I really never thought I needed a big TV until I saw this one in my living room. I mean you have to love a TV that is so pretty it made me watch 7th Heaven for like 20 minutes before I got over being mesmerized by the sheer size and picture quality and realized what I was watching. Hooray! Want to come over and watch the TV with me? It's pretty even when it's off...

Oh yeah

There's nothing like starting your 30's with a smashed car and a wicked hangover.

Best Punishment Ever

The boyfriend and I were driving to breakfast Sunday and we saw a kid standing on the corner of York and Colfax holding a sign. He looked about 16 and was pretty well dressed so I started wondering what the sign was all about. I was thinking "Hmmm, kinda early for a car wash, but whatever." So imagine my surprise when it turns out the kid was being punished. The sign he was holding said "My father caught me with a pocketful of marijuana and this is one of the consequences of my punishment." There was an older guy standing a few feet behind him looking really pissed off with his arms crossed. I can only assume that was the dad. It was fucking awesome! The kid was totally embarrassed and you know that was just the beginning of the shit he was going to get. The best part was that the lettering on the sign was all nice. I can just imagine the kid's mom sitting at the kitchen table thinking "My son is going to be humiliated and he deserves it, but the least I can do is make his sign look nice." I don't know these people, but that family kicks ass.