You know what I've decided I hate most about a breakup? That I feel like I've lost myself. I look back at who I've become over the past few weeks, months even, and I don't like who I see. I miss myself. I miss when I used to be happy and fun and funny, I miss when I liked myself so much that person sleeping next to me couldn't help but love me. I need to figure out what to do to bring that girl back.
p.s. The thing I hate second most is that I want to punch him in the face for being such a jerk but I know it won't do any good.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
The bitterness continues...Or does it?
Ok, not really bitter. I just had a thought - what if I had married him and everything had stayed the same? The bar every night, flirting with other girls but not his own girlfriend, not feeling like I was sexy enough for him? That would have been a nightmare. I know if he had tried, really tried, and respected me from the beginning, not just in the middle of the relationship, maybe things would have been different. I'm not saying that we wouldn't have broken up but our time together would have been much happier for me. I still love him but I'm starting to realize that things will be better for me now, even if I'm alone for awhile.
I met a friend of Slanger's last night who was talking about his wife. He's been with her for 5 years, married for 1 and when he met her his life was a mess. Now he's gotten his life together and wants to be a better person for her. Just listening to how much he respects and loves his wife and how he talks about her like they've only just met--he has the new relationship high even after 5 years--made me so hopeful. Someday, some great guy will love me so much that he'll talk about me like that. Maybe E just wasn't good enough for me.
I met a friend of Slanger's last night who was talking about his wife. He's been with her for 5 years, married for 1 and when he met her his life was a mess. Now he's gotten his life together and wants to be a better person for her. Just listening to how much he respects and loves his wife and how he talks about her like they've only just met--he has the new relationship high even after 5 years--made me so hopeful. Someday, some great guy will love me so much that he'll talk about me like that. Maybe E just wasn't good enough for me.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Screw You Radio
Isn't it funny how when you get dumped by someone it seems like every love song is speaking directly to you? I hate it. I hate that when I'm at the 7-11 and some fucking cheesy song comes on that I think, "This person really knows what they're talking about." They don't fucking know, what am I saying?
Right now I'm on a Slackers kick. Wasted Days, So This is the Night, Close My Eyes--these songs make me kind of sad even when I'm happy, but somehow it helps to know that at least I'm listening to good music, music I love to help me through this.
My all time favorite Slackers song is Sarah. It's the song that sums it up for me right now.
"You said I never had to have a reason
just for feeling all the feelings that I do.
summer days leave me with empty sneezes
and drunken was the day that I found you"
"I guess I thought that we could live forever
in a state of such imaginary grace
where you could find your diamonds in my arms dear
and I could find a reason in your face"
Or something like that.
Aaaaaaron was nice enough to play that song on my voicemail the other night, just because it came on and he though of me. It's nice to know I have such great friends.
Speaking of which, something occured to me this morning: that first night when he broke up with me, I was the one who had to leave. I was pissed that he didn't even offer to stay somewhere else for the night, but maybe he didn't have anywhere to go. I'm just grateful for friends like Slanger who has been putting me up (and putting up with me) for a week.
Right now I'm on a Slackers kick. Wasted Days, So This is the Night, Close My Eyes--these songs make me kind of sad even when I'm happy, but somehow it helps to know that at least I'm listening to good music, music I love to help me through this.
My all time favorite Slackers song is Sarah. It's the song that sums it up for me right now.
"You said I never had to have a reason
just for feeling all the feelings that I do.
summer days leave me with empty sneezes
and drunken was the day that I found you"
"I guess I thought that we could live forever
in a state of such imaginary grace
where you could find your diamonds in my arms dear
and I could find a reason in your face"
Or something like that.
Aaaaaaron was nice enough to play that song on my voicemail the other night, just because it came on and he though of me. It's nice to know I have such great friends.
Speaking of which, something occured to me this morning: that first night when he broke up with me, I was the one who had to leave. I was pissed that he didn't even offer to stay somewhere else for the night, but maybe he didn't have anywhere to go. I'm just grateful for friends like Slanger who has been putting me up (and putting up with me) for a week.
Old bog--should've seen it coming
I found my old blog. This entry was about two months in with the now ex-boyfriend. All I can say is, I know things got better after this, but I should have trusted my feelings. I don't regret the last two years but I really shouldn't have put up with the things I did in the beginning or more recently when things stopped being good, I should've stood up for myself. I'm not going to drive myself crazy thinking about what could've happened if I had done that, but it's definitely something I'll take from this relationship and think about with the next one.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
"i've never been this paranoid and jealous and i don't like myself very much right now. i don't know what it is but something has to change, whether it's how he acts, how i react, or whether or not we stay together. i still really like him and i don't want it to come down to that, but i'm unhappy a lot of the time and i'm acting crazy.
i need to stop reading too much into every little thing and i need to just enjoy things for whatever they are and not expect too much right now. i need to realize that i deserve to be happy and not to be afraid to end things and be alone again if they don't get better. i also need to realize that the past is the past and that the current boyfriend is NOT the ex-boyfriend, even if he acts like an asshole sometimes.
now if only i could get the boyfriend to be a little more affectionate in public (with me) and a little less affectionate in public (with his "just a friend"). i'm not talking making out, but just a show of affection. whether or not he has feelings for her, he says he doesn't and i'm going to have to learn to trust him. if i still get a bad feeling about things after a while, then i just need to end it. also, it would be nice if he wasn't so hot and cold. he has no idea what i'm talking about when i say that, but you can't tell your girlfriend you want to be with her forever then an hour later tell her you wish you hadn't met. example two, don't tell your girlfriend you think you love her and then tell her that she doesn't stimulate you mentally.
also it would be nice if i wasn't the only one who got jealous. not that i'm saying i want a jealous freak as my boyfriend, but him caring when i get hit on by other people would probably help me feel a little more secure that he actually likes me. stupid and silly, yes, but i feel so insecure right now and now matter how many times he says he likes me, a lot of times his actions say something completely different."
Thursday, September 09, 2004
"i've never been this paranoid and jealous and i don't like myself very much right now. i don't know what it is but something has to change, whether it's how he acts, how i react, or whether or not we stay together. i still really like him and i don't want it to come down to that, but i'm unhappy a lot of the time and i'm acting crazy.
i need to stop reading too much into every little thing and i need to just enjoy things for whatever they are and not expect too much right now. i need to realize that i deserve to be happy and not to be afraid to end things and be alone again if they don't get better. i also need to realize that the past is the past and that the current boyfriend is NOT the ex-boyfriend, even if he acts like an asshole sometimes.
now if only i could get the boyfriend to be a little more affectionate in public (with me) and a little less affectionate in public (with his "just a friend"). i'm not talking making out, but just a show of affection. whether or not he has feelings for her, he says he doesn't and i'm going to have to learn to trust him. if i still get a bad feeling about things after a while, then i just need to end it. also, it would be nice if he wasn't so hot and cold. he has no idea what i'm talking about when i say that, but you can't tell your girlfriend you want to be with her forever then an hour later tell her you wish you hadn't met. example two, don't tell your girlfriend you think you love her and then tell her that she doesn't stimulate you mentally.
also it would be nice if i wasn't the only one who got jealous. not that i'm saying i want a jealous freak as my boyfriend, but him caring when i get hit on by other people would probably help me feel a little more secure that he actually likes me. stupid and silly, yes, but i feel so insecure right now and now matter how many times he says he likes me, a lot of times his actions say something completely different."
Monday, May 22, 2006
Oh, here we go
And I hope he has a very happy life alone with nothing to love except his stupid big tv. I know, I know, I was excited about it but now all I can think is that he couldn't ever take me out to dinner or do fun things that I wanted to do but he could drop thousands on a tv. A tv that he hardly ever watched because he was too busy going to the bar.
Sorry
Sorry dear readers (all two of you), I used to like to write fun and funny things but now I'm a sad sack and have nothing to say. Maybe I'll surprise all of us (all three of us) and come up with a funny, witty, non-sad blog topic later today. Right.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Why?
Why did he have to be so cold? I lost my boyfriend, my best friend and my home all in one night and he's acting like he doesn't even care. He's not sad, he's not nice, he wants me out. Maybe this is just his way of dealing with it, but it would've made things so much easier if I would've felt like he was hurting too. I know it's over, I know he's not going to change his mind, but we've both lost each other and the last two years should've meant something to him. I guess I'm mourning what I've lost and he's looking ahead without a care to what I was to him.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Country Dancing and 22-Year-Old Male Models
Wednesday Nite at Charlie’s:
1-2-3-4
Back-2-3-4
Spin-2-3-4
Back Spin-2-3-4
Step Clink
Step Clink
Step Clink
Step Bump
Back-2-3-4
Clap!
Switch Partners! Woooooo!
Also, the 22-year-old male model (was he really? who knows) from out of town that accidentally on purpose happened into a gay bar. Hmmmm. He was cute but I'm not sure if the Nebraska kid knows who he is.
Wednesdays are awesome!
1-2-3-4
Back-2-3-4
Spin-2-3-4
Back Spin-2-3-4
Step Clink
Step Clink
Step Clink
Step Bump
Back-2-3-4
Clap!
Switch Partners! Woooooo!
Also, the 22-year-old male model (was he really? who knows) from out of town that accidentally on purpose happened into a gay bar. Hmmmm. He was cute but I'm not sure if the Nebraska kid knows who he is.
Wednesdays are awesome!
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Sweet Zombie Jesus!
Ok, so I came home after working an 11-hour day and I was in a bad mood. But then, get this, I walked in the door and I saw something so beautiful all I could do was say "Sweet Zombie Jesus!" Do you want to know what I saw? Do you? This is what it was: Hockey was on the TV and the Red Wings lost! That means good things for the Av's! Aren't you excited? Ok before you get pissed off and leave I'll tell you why I really almost peed myself when I walked in the door. Hockey was on, that's true. But more important to this story is what exactly the hockey was playing on. Yes it was a TV, but there's more. The TV was plasma. The TV was also 40 some inches big. THE BOYFRIEND BOUGHT A PLASMA TV! Yeah, all the fun and none of the cost for me! I really never thought I needed a big TV until I saw this one in my living room. I mean you have to love a TV that is so pretty it made me watch 7th Heaven for like 20 minutes before I got over being mesmerized by the sheer size and picture quality and realized what I was watching. Hooray! Want to come over and watch the TV with me? It's pretty even when it's off...
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Best Punishment Ever
The boyfriend and I were driving to breakfast Sunday and we saw a kid standing on the corner of York and Colfax holding a sign. He looked about 16 and was pretty well dressed so I started wondering what the sign was all about. I was thinking "Hmmm, kinda early for a car wash, but whatever." So imagine my surprise when it turns out the kid was being punished. The sign he was holding said "My father caught me with a pocketful of marijuana and this is one of the consequences of my punishment." There was an older guy standing a few feet behind him looking really pissed off with his arms crossed. I can only assume that was the dad. It was fucking awesome! The kid was totally embarrassed and you know that was just the beginning of the shit he was going to get. The best part was that the lettering on the sign was all nice. I can just imagine the kid's mom sitting at the kitchen table thinking "My son is going to be humiliated and he deserves it, but the least I can do is make his sign look nice." I don't know these people, but that family kicks ass.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
It all came back today
For some reason I woke up sad today. Usually Wednesdays are so awesome that it's all I can do to contain my excitement. This morning was different. I'm still looking forward to hanging out tonight, but I can't seem to shake this melancholy that is sitting in the back of my mind. The weird thing is that I was cleaning out my email and I came across something that an ex-boyfriend (and current friend) sent me not long ago. It was about the morning he moved away and our last goodbye. Although I didn't read it until about five years after it was written, it brought me right back to that day he left.
I went to his blog this afternoon and was surprised to see it there, posted not long ago. That makes twice that I accidentally came across it today. We both have new significant others and are happy. We are close friends now and the relationship we shared in the past is not something that either one of us wants again, although the past is nothing that I would ever change, even if I could. Despite these things, I will always cry a little at the thought of that cold January morning. It's probably one of the most meaningful things I've ever read, and not just because I lived it, but also because he is an amazing writer. It's a moment that will always be a part of me. Here's a little piece:
"I spent the plane ride thinking of our many goodbyes, mostly remembering how you looked on that street corner, disappearing into the distance. You were sad, beautiful, and everything else you've ever meant to me. You were a portrait burned into my memory like white noise under the thoughts racing through my head. I hold on to that moment tightly, like a little piece of you that I can keep forever."
Ok, enough with the serious stuff.
I went to his blog this afternoon and was surprised to see it there, posted not long ago. That makes twice that I accidentally came across it today. We both have new significant others and are happy. We are close friends now and the relationship we shared in the past is not something that either one of us wants again, although the past is nothing that I would ever change, even if I could. Despite these things, I will always cry a little at the thought of that cold January morning. It's probably one of the most meaningful things I've ever read, and not just because I lived it, but also because he is an amazing writer. It's a moment that will always be a part of me. Here's a little piece:
"I spent the plane ride thinking of our many goodbyes, mostly remembering how you looked on that street corner, disappearing into the distance. You were sad, beautiful, and everything else you've ever meant to me. You were a portrait burned into my memory like white noise under the thoughts racing through my head. I hold on to that moment tightly, like a little piece of you that I can keep forever."
Ok, enough with the serious stuff.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Pleasantries are pleasant
Today has been so pleasant! I was glad that the bus was late because I got to enjoy a nice brisk walk in the snow!
When I got to work, someone did something completely improper, an inappropriate moment that had followed many other unseemly moments in the last week. But instead of getting mad I just threw myself into my work and got so much done. How pleasing!
Sam and I had a lovely lunch. He held the door for me and I held the door for him. When we were done with our delicious meal, we exchanged emails thanking each other for being so polite. How refreshing!
Just now, Sam and I had a very enjoyable break. We discussed which view would be more agreeable to take in and even when the West garden was closed because of ice falling off the building, we still enjoyed an enjoyable chat outside. Even avoiding the fight outside the East door was satisfying!
Sam thinks that there needs to be more people like us in the world and I couldn't agree more. Thanks for reading!
When I got to work, someone did something completely improper, an inappropriate moment that had followed many other unseemly moments in the last week. But instead of getting mad I just threw myself into my work and got so much done. How pleasing!
Sam and I had a lovely lunch. He held the door for me and I held the door for him. When we were done with our delicious meal, we exchanged emails thanking each other for being so polite. How refreshing!
Just now, Sam and I had a very enjoyable break. We discussed which view would be more agreeable to take in and even when the West garden was closed because of ice falling off the building, we still enjoyed an enjoyable chat outside. Even avoiding the fight outside the East door was satisfying!
Sam thinks that there needs to be more people like us in the world and I couldn't agree more. Thanks for reading!
Seriously
Seriously, I need to stop using seriously in all my damn blog posts. I'm serious. It's like it's my favorite damn word or something. I'm going to attempt to not use the S word in any blogs for a least a month. If you catch me, totally call me on it, seriously. Wait, that one didn't count. Really it didn't. No using the S word starting after this blog. Ok? Ok.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Sam and I are Assholes
Sam and I had a hilarious break this morning. We stood outside taking our usual morning smoke break and critiqued everyone who was wearing green for St. Pat's. Here are some highlights:
The business man who was wearing a mint green button-up. "Ooo, he went crazy today. Get a load of him with his wacky light green shirt." Seriously, we bet he has 20 white shirts, one pink (Valentine's Day), one green (St. Patrick's Day) and two crazy ties (Christmas and Halloween).
The girl wearing the green sweatpants with writing across the butt. "Hey! Check out my ass!"
The guy in the suit with the green button on the lapel. "Kiss Me I'm Irish." Other people in the office: "Great, Patrick O'Patrick put the button on again." "Wait a minute, he wears that damn button everyday!" Patrick: "Well, it works sometimes."
We also had a great scenario worked out where we would loiter outside of the HR office and wait to get pinched (cause you know someone in HR is all decked out) then claim sexual harassment. Hilarious! Plus, if we did it without laughing, we might get a paid day off out of it.
We are total assholes. This was confirmed by all the dirty looks we were getting from passers-by. But seriously, all St. Patrick's day is about in this town is green beer, which equals green puke. I really don't need to see that (again).
As Michael Kors would say "It's hard to make a holiday vulgar, but you did it."
The business man who was wearing a mint green button-up. "Ooo, he went crazy today. Get a load of him with his wacky light green shirt." Seriously, we bet he has 20 white shirts, one pink (Valentine's Day), one green (St. Patrick's Day) and two crazy ties (Christmas and Halloween).
The girl wearing the green sweatpants with writing across the butt. "Hey! Check out my ass!"
The guy in the suit with the green button on the lapel. "Kiss Me I'm Irish." Other people in the office: "Great, Patrick O'Patrick put the button on again." "Wait a minute, he wears that damn button everyday!" Patrick: "Well, it works sometimes."
We also had a great scenario worked out where we would loiter outside of the HR office and wait to get pinched (cause you know someone in HR is all decked out) then claim sexual harassment. Hilarious! Plus, if we did it without laughing, we might get a paid day off out of it.
We are total assholes. This was confirmed by all the dirty looks we were getting from passers-by. But seriously, all St. Patrick's day is about in this town is green beer, which equals green puke. I really don't need to see that (again).
As Michael Kors would say "It's hard to make a holiday vulgar, but you did it."
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Auf Wiedersehen Mother Fuckers!
Tonight is the season finale of Project Runway. Oh Project Runway, we've laughed, we've cried, we've gotten drunk together. I've said things I didn't mean, but in all fairness, so did you. Come on baby, I didn't mean it, don't leave! What will I do without you?
On the bright side, that means I get to hang with Sam and Slanger tonight. Yay! We've been trying to decide which bar to go to, and as usual, we debated via email. This is how we decided--the tiki bar is closer to my tivo (I mean house) and has $1 PBR and $2 shots of Beam. Plus, we went to Aztec Sol (the awesome tequila bar) last week and discovered they no longer have free tacos at happy hour. Damn, AzSol, what are you trying to do to us? You know this is our main source of food on Wednesdays (aside from them delicious frozen mini-foods of course). Oh well, we still love you, but I guess you are out this week.
Heidi Klum (via Sam): "I'm sorry, this means good bye to you AzSol, Auf Wiedersehen."
AzSol: "What? I was in a contest? Shit. Hey, you talk funny but yer pretty. Wanna do a shot?"
More importantly, we must now decide which mini-foods to eat while we watch. The lovely Slanger has told me about a fantastic creation called "bags of gold." I think it's some sort of concoction of cheese (the gold), some other stuff, like veggies (the dirt you pan gold out of???) all put together in a crispy dough bag. Wow! It'll be like striking it rich with every delicious bite! Slanger has also come up with the genius idea for themed snacks like "Andre at Red Lobster" and the "Guadalupe Special." I can't wait. No really, I can't--I'm leaving work now.
On the bright side, that means I get to hang with Sam and Slanger tonight. Yay! We've been trying to decide which bar to go to, and as usual, we debated via email. This is how we decided--the tiki bar is closer to my tivo (I mean house) and has $1 PBR and $2 shots of Beam. Plus, we went to Aztec Sol (the awesome tequila bar) last week and discovered they no longer have free tacos at happy hour. Damn, AzSol, what are you trying to do to us? You know this is our main source of food on Wednesdays (aside from them delicious frozen mini-foods of course). Oh well, we still love you, but I guess you are out this week.
Heidi Klum (via Sam): "I'm sorry, this means good bye to you AzSol, Auf Wiedersehen."
AzSol: "What? I was in a contest? Shit. Hey, you talk funny but yer pretty. Wanna do a shot?"
More importantly, we must now decide which mini-foods to eat while we watch. The lovely Slanger has told me about a fantastic creation called "bags of gold." I think it's some sort of concoction of cheese (the gold), some other stuff, like veggies (the dirt you pan gold out of???) all put together in a crispy dough bag. Wow! It'll be like striking it rich with every delicious bite! Slanger has also come up with the genius idea for themed snacks like "Andre at Red Lobster" and the "Guadalupe Special." I can't wait. No really, I can't--I'm leaving work now.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Jazzercise!
Yes, Jazzercise. I know what you're thinking--"Jazzercise is still around?" Or maybe "What the fuck, are you kidding?" No friends, I am not kidding. I go to jazzercise, and I love it! Seriously, I hate to exercise but this isn't too bad. And it's called "An Hour of Power" which is all inspiring and shit. It's kind of like jumping around to bad (but fun) music when you get drunk. And, since I go on Sunday mornings, sometimes I AM still drunk! Plus, it's pretty damn cool to be in a room with mostly older ladies (and a few guys) who scream out "Wooooo!" as they shake their hips and clap along to the Gorillaz or that song "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me." Seriously, they get totally into it and it's hilarious (and cute). The only downside is that most of these ladies have been jazzercising forever and they are totally in better shape than me. I get all out of breath and sweaty and my beer belly hangs out when I try to do sit ups, but they are all flat stomachs and defined biceps. Also, I don't see any of them frantically lighting up a smoke immediately afterwards then rushing to brunch (AKA mimosas). Maybe if I keep it up, I'll be in shape when I'm 50--that's something to look forward to.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Ice Janitors and Twizzlers
Oh Olympics, you are so damn funny! You are such a comedy genius and you don't even know it! Case in point: Ice Dancing. Forget the costumes (although they are pretty hilarious), forget that there seems to be some sort of rule that a sparkly headband for the ladies and greasy hair for the men is an artistic requirement, and forget that Ice Dancing is just couples skate for wussies. What is so hilarious about Ice Dancing is this: Twizzle! A Twizzle (according to Wikipedia) is a multi-rotation turn. What Wiki fails to mention is that apparently, a Twizzle must also involve some sort of spastic jazz hand movement and you must also have a look on your face like you've just heard a horrible joke and you're not sure if it's ok to think it's funny. Seriously, all the ice dancers wave their hands around and seem to be thinking, "That joke I heard earlier was really in poor taste, but damn was it funny. I couldn't laugh then because it wasn't proper but shit, I can't stop thinking about it and giggling like an idiot who farted in an elevator now!"
On the other hand, there is Curling. It takes skill, don't get me wrong, but I'll be damned if they don't look like a bunch of ice janitors frantically cleaning up after a kid who has just puked. Plus, there is the grunting and the yelling and the look of absolute boredom from the athlete’s children who have to be thinking, "God, when is this crap going to be over so we can go watch some snowboarding?" The fans (aside from the kids) and the announcers get totally into it and shout out random things like "CURL!" as they chug their eighth beer and high five each other. Well I’m sure the fans would agree with the new Curling motto, as Sam so geniusly came up with on Sunday as we were watching: "Curlers do it with stones!"
On the other hand, there is Curling. It takes skill, don't get me wrong, but I'll be damned if they don't look like a bunch of ice janitors frantically cleaning up after a kid who has just puked. Plus, there is the grunting and the yelling and the look of absolute boredom from the athlete’s children who have to be thinking, "God, when is this crap going to be over so we can go watch some snowboarding?" The fans (aside from the kids) and the announcers get totally into it and shout out random things like "CURL!" as they chug their eighth beer and high five each other. Well I’m sure the fans would agree with the new Curling motto, as Sam so geniusly came up with on Sunday as we were watching: "Curlers do it with stones!"
Friday, February 17, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
P.S.
P.S. Valentine's Day was just as fantastic as I thought it would be.
AND tonight is Project Runway night, yay! We will have lots of delicious drinks at the Tiki Bar then watch the best show ever while we have disgustingly horrible snacks--it's at my house tonight so there will be no homemade goodness from the lovely Slanger. Nope, it's frozen taquitos and pizza bites when I "cook." Hopefully the annoying Kara will be out as the delicious food goes in.
P.P.S. Seriously, more about Jazzercise coming soon, I know you can't wait.
AND tonight is Project Runway night, yay! We will have lots of delicious drinks at the Tiki Bar then watch the best show ever while we have disgustingly horrible snacks--it's at my house tonight so there will be no homemade goodness from the lovely Slanger. Nope, it's frozen taquitos and pizza bites when I "cook." Hopefully the annoying Kara will be out as the delicious food goes in.
P.P.S. Seriously, more about Jazzercise coming soon, I know you can't wait.
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